Pink's Title Sez It All About Today's Post-Convention Doctor's Visit:
You Make Me Sick
My
first-ever visit to a pulmonary doctor was compromised by right-wing
post-convention politics. Wow, btw, that just might be the first sentence to
contain THREE hyphenated words. Be forewarned that this article is based on a
TRUE STORY which REALLY HAPPENED TODAY, but which is slanted with hyperbole for
satirical purposes only – not in any manner for political gain. At the outset
let me emphasize that I have never, repeat NEVER, run a marathon of any sort; I
have never attempted to run a marathon and I most certainly have never run a
marathon in under 3 hours, as claimed most absurdly by the rival for the
most preposterous Veep candidate in US history (Ryan is, of course, neck and
neck with half-guv Palin at this point for that dubious distinction).
In addition
to breathing problems for about two or three years (no hyperbole thus far) I have
been enduring a chest and head cold for three or four days. This week I was diagnosed with COPD and now I have a puffer to spay into my lungs when I can't breathe so well and a fun disk to inhale twice a day called Albuterol. Next week I get to have my lungs undergo a battery of further tests. Fun, fun, fun!! Upon entering the
office of Dr. Smith (his real name, I later asked for and received a
copy of his long-form birth certificate) a coupla weeks back, a kindly looking young woman in scrubs
quickly escorted me into the outer office area and began asking questions and
taking vital medical signs. She asked my date of birth, and is my wont in such situations;
I replied “I was just born yesterday.” She laughed, as did all of her female
colleagues—also bedecked in scrubs—at my joke (which was intentional
hyperbole). I told her of my sniffles and my real long-term problem which
brought me there that day. She asked what medications I take, and I told her of
my blood pressure medications, and when she asked why I informed her that of
course it was because it was an election year. When asked if I had any
allergies, I told her that I was extremely allergic to the RepubliCon party of
2012, to Bill O’Reilley and Sarah Palin. By now, her colleague was laughing at
my comments as if I were jesting, but both she and my interlocutor agreed on the
Palin allergy.
My vital
signs were good except for my blood pressure which came in absurdly high at
160/100. I told my tester and my audience that it was perfectly understandable
and that I wasn’t surprised. To my astonishment they asked me the cause and I
told them “Because it’s less than two months before Election Day and we aren’t
ahead by double digits, of course!!!”
They sent
me out to the waiting room to await Dr. Smith, and while waiting I looked back
into the area where I had just been and spied a bumper sticker over a desk for
the RepubliCon running for the U.S. Senate in CT, the purveyor of violence and
smut to kids and loser of the 2010 Senate race, former Wrestling/Porn CEO Linda
McMahon. OMG! I stuck my head into the area once again and informed the staff
that I had an anaphylactic allergy which could cause immediate death to these
bumper stickers, but the sticker remained and I had to shield my eyes with my
hands throughout the remainder of my time or arrange my body in such a way as
to avoid cardiac arrest. I asked the scrub-woman by the offending bumper
sticker who was paying for my visit—which was Medicare. I expressed to her that
very many of their patients are likely geezers like me, and that most of her
salary is generated by Medicare so she SHOULD vote Democratic!!!
I was safely
escorted to his office by Dr. Smith himself and he queried me further about my
health. He asked if I had any allergies, and I told him that I carried two
epipens and Benadryl at all times due to my deadly allergy to bee stings and to
the Fox News Channel. Dr. Smith laughed uproariously and nearly fell off his
chair (no hyperbole here), and I was confused. He asked when my breathing
seemed at its worst; I explained that it was sometimes random, sometimes upon
exertion, and frequently upon seeing images of Ann Coulter or hearing her
voice. He agreed that this is a frequent problem in his practice.
My apologies to Britney, who is doing fine today, as far as I'm concerned,
but I just couldn't pass up this image of Coulter.
He noted
some swelling in my ankles and he asked when I had noticed it commencing, and I
said that it seemed to correlate with the annual appearance of what is jokingly
referred to as a “Budget” by Paul Ryan, but that I’ve begun to fear ankle
Elephantitis now that Ryan is the RepubliCon VP nominee, but Dr. Smith assured
me that this was not likely. He listened to my breathing, which wasn’t
horrendous, but he noticed that upon close investigation it appeared as though
my breathing pattern included a sobbing component. I told Dr. Smith that this
is something that I’ve noticed in myself ever since John Boehner was actually
sworn in as Speaker. I told Dr. Smith that the cure for this was out of his
control, and that I was doing everything I can to ensure the cure, which a new
term as Speaker for Nancy Pelosi this coming January.
Dr. Smith
has me undergoing the new funner breathing testing, I had a chest x-ray, and he gave me a cool
testing thing to play with and that puffer and Albuterol to breathe until I see him next; as
long as the poll numbers keep getting better, I’m optimistic. ;0) Dr. Smith
asked me if I have any further questions, and I said yes, sir, I do. He asked
me what they were, and I said I had a multitude of questions for the staff
person with the RepubliCon Senate sticker over her desk. He said that she was
firm in her convictions. I pleaded with him to let me try. But I caved, because
I know I have to go back and that my persuasive abilities will be far more
effective closer to Election Day, and that if I rally the crowd at Dr. Smith’s
office to the Obama cause now, that they could change their mind between now
and the election.
It's crunch time boys and girls. The time for excuses is over! It's time to roll up our sleeves as one family, contact the campaign, donate-arrange rides to the polls on November 6th--whatever you can do. And it's as easy as one right click on the link below:
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