ROMNEY/RYAN: YOU MAKE ME SICK: MY DOCTOR TOLD ME SO!

Pink's Title Sez It All About Today's Post-Convention Doctor's Visit:

You Make Me Sick

My first-ever visit to a pulmonary doctor was compromised by right-wing post-convention politics. Wow, btw, that just might be the first sentence to contain THREE hyphenated words. Be forewarned that this article is based on a TRUE STORY which REALLY HAPPENED TODAY, but which is slanted with hyperbole for satirical purposes only – not in any manner for political gain. At the outset let me emphasize that I have never, repeat NEVER, run a marathon of any sort; I have never attempted to run a marathon and I most certainly have never run a marathon in under 3 hours, as claimed most absurdly by the rival for the most preposterous Veep candidate in US history (Ryan is, of course, neck and neck with half-guv Palin at this point for that dubious distinction).

In addition to breathing problems for about two or three years (no hyperbole thus far) I have been enduring a chest and head cold for three or four days. This week I was diagnosed with COPD and now I have a puffer to spay into my lungs when I can't breathe so well and a fun disk to inhale twice a day called Albuterol. Next week I get to have my lungs undergo a battery of further tests. Fun, fun, fun!! Upon entering the office of Dr. Smith (his real name, I later asked for and received a copy of his long-form birth certificate) a coupla weeks back, a kindly looking young woman in scrubs quickly escorted me into the outer office area and began asking questions and taking vital medical signs. She asked my date of birth, and is my wont in such situations; I replied “I was just born yesterday.” She laughed, as did all of her female colleagues—also bedecked in scrubs—at my joke (which was intentional hyperbole). I told her of my sniffles and my real long-term problem which brought me there that day. She asked what medications I take, and I told her of my blood pressure medications, and when she asked why I informed her that of course it was because it was an election year. When asked if I had any allergies, I told her that I was extremely allergic to the RepubliCon party of 2012, to Bill O’Reilley and Sarah Palin. By now, her colleague was laughing at my comments as if I were jesting, but both she and my interlocutor agreed on the Palin allergy.

My vital signs were good except for my blood pressure which came in absurdly high at 160/100. I told my tester and my audience that it was perfectly understandable and that I wasn’t surprised. To my astonishment they asked me the cause and I told them “Because it’s less than two months before Election Day and we aren’t ahead by double digits, of course!!!”

They sent me out to the waiting room to await Dr. Smith, and while waiting I looked back into the area where I had just been and spied a bumper sticker over a desk for the RepubliCon running for the U.S. Senate in CT, the purveyor of violence and smut to kids and loser of the 2010 Senate race, former Wrestling/Porn CEO Linda McMahon. OMG! I stuck my head into the area once again and informed the staff that I had an anaphylactic allergy which could cause immediate death to these bumper stickers, but the sticker remained and I had to shield my eyes with my hands throughout the remainder of my time or arrange my body in such a way as to avoid cardiac arrest. I asked the scrub-woman by the offending bumper sticker who was paying for my visit—which was Medicare. I expressed to her that very many of their patients are likely geezers like me, and that most of her salary is generated by Medicare so she SHOULD vote Democratic!!!

I was safely escorted to his office by Dr. Smith himself and he queried me further about my health. He asked if I had any allergies, and I told him that I carried two epipens and Benadryl at all times due to my deadly allergy to bee stings and to the Fox News Channel. Dr. Smith laughed uproariously and nearly fell off his chair (no hyperbole here), and I was confused. He asked when my breathing seemed at its worst; I explained that it was sometimes random, sometimes upon exertion, and frequently upon seeing images of Ann Coulter or hearing her voice. He agreed that this is a frequent problem in his practice.

My apologies to Britney, who is doing fine today, as far as I'm concerned,

but I just couldn't pass up this image of Coulter.

He noted some swelling in my ankles and he asked when I had noticed it commencing, and I said that it seemed to correlate with the annual appearance of what is jokingly referred to as a “Budget” by Paul Ryan, but that I’ve begun to fear ankle Elephantitis now that Ryan is the RepubliCon VP nominee, but Dr. Smith assured me that this was not likely. He listened to my breathing, which wasn’t horrendous, but he noticed that upon close investigation it appeared as though my breathing pattern included a sobbing component. I told Dr. Smith that this is something that I’ve noticed in myself ever since John Boehner was actually sworn in as Speaker. I told Dr. Smith that the cure for this was out of his control, and that I was doing everything I can to ensure the cure, which a new term as Speaker for Nancy Pelosi this coming January.

Dr. Smith has me undergoing the new funner breathing testing, I had a chest x-ray, and he gave me a cool testing thing to play with and that puffer and Albuterol to breathe until I see him next; as long as the poll numbers keep getting better, I’m optimistic. ;0) Dr. Smith asked me if I have any further questions, and I said yes, sir, I do. He asked me what they were, and I said I had a multitude of questions for the staff person with the RepubliCon Senate sticker over her desk. He said that she was firm in her convictions. I pleaded with him to let me try. But I caved, because I know I have to go back and that my persuasive abilities will be far more effective closer to Election Day, and that if I rally the crowd at Dr. Smith’s office to the Obama cause now, that they could change their mind between now and the election.

It's crunch time boys and girls. The time for excuses is over! It's time to roll up our sleeves as one family, contact the campaign, donate-arrange rides to the polls on November 6th--whatever you can do. And it's as easy as one right click on the link below:

barackobama.com



6 Months Gone: Remembering AUGIE DOGGIE'S AWESOME DAY, 15 YEARS YOUNG, OCT 2011-MY HERO, MY PAL!

I am a spiritual being having a temporary human experience.

Augie and other Dogs are spiritual beings (of the same sort) 

having temporary canine experiences.

The late great Augie the Doggie saved my life and passed away 6 months ago. Here is the tale of Augie's greatest day of major Canine Accomplishments and the day he made the headlines and was named Canine of the year by CNN (the Canine News Network). Love you Augman, seeya on the other side of Rainbow Bridge one day, pal! ♥

Shhh... From his base in Wallingford, Connecticut, Augie the Doggie secretly rules the Universe. In one single day Augie accomplished the following at the ordinarily geriatric age of THIRTEEN years old [when other mortals retire and rest on their laurels, Augie the Awesome Doggie springs to action]: 1) While photographing a shed I was planning to do major repairs upon, Augie succeeded in sneaking into each of the photos without anyone's awareness until we blew them up on the computer.  

2) While measuring the shed, I glanced three yards over and saw Augie the Doggie in THAT yard. Augie had succeeded in eluding our backyard security system and ESCAPED! When I walked over to the neighboring yard, Augie the Doggie put up no resistance, merely smiled a sly smile to indicate yet again, that HE WAS, INDEED, IN CHARGE STILL. And as if that was not enough, Augie committed his biggest accomplishment to date:

3) While I was in the basement tending to the feral cats for which I was caring, I heard my ex-domestic partner stomping around hollerin' "Bad Dog! Bad Dog!" and racing about the house; her feet stomping and Augie's going clickety-clack on the hardwood floor in one huge circle around the house, repeating the circuit over and over. After I stopped laughing, I surfaced from the basement and asked my former partner what Augie had accomplished [it was in the days following Thanksgiving], she cried "HE GOT THE TURKEY LEG!" And I spied Augie the Doggie, and sure enough he was looking at me with an entire 5lb roasted turkey leg suspending from his clutched jaw. [I was furtively more proud of Augie Doggie than you could possibly imagine]. Our eyes met, a staring contest ensued, and we were off to the races! 

Augie ran, and I ran a close second. Worried about the turkey bones, I tried kicking the offending leg outa his mouth, but to no avail. I knew taking it from him would violate his instincts, so that wasn't an option. I called to my partner,

 "GET SOME HOT DOGS, QUICK, AND MICROWAVE 'EM!!!" I then tried putting the heated Frankfurts in Augie's face hoping for a trade, he wasn't about to be conned! I THREW FRESH HOT TUBE STEAKS RIGHT AT THE AUGMEISTER, AND STILL HE DIDN'T RELENT! WHAT A DOG

In the final analysis, Augie scarfed down that whole turkey leg without it touching the floor once, all while being chased, bribed AND having hot dogs thrown directly at him! He proved who was in charge of Wallingford and of Connecticut. He made the front pages of Canine News the next morning and the Canine News Network had live coverage of Augie's Awesome Day, replete with interviews and all.

 In a quiet election, the canines of the Universe elected Augie Master of the Universe, and he's been ruling since January 1st, 2010. He is now 15, and has a lifetime term. ♥ :)

If ya happen to have a few bucks in your pocket, Augie's favorite charitable cause and mine is the wonderful Louisiana Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals which has dealt effectively with incredible canine and feline crises as the result of both Hurricane Katrina and the BP Oil Spill. So all it takes is a click on the link below and a credit/debit card to donate:

la-spca.org

ODE TO THE WEATHER EXPLORER; A BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE TO A FRIEND

I might chase a storm or two,

like Hurricane Earl, but I sure as heck ain't

The Duke of anything.

But my friend whose birthday is commemorated

in this article is and always will be

a Duchess of whatever she sets her mind and heart to.

Blessya.

A few years ago I came online because of concern about the oil spill sponsored forya by the likes of wayward Tony Hayward—then the CEO of British Petroleum (now in hiding in Putin’s Russia at last check) and Dick Cheney’s Haliberton. I was upset that New Orleans and the entire Gulf Coast were once again being threatened due to political and economic greed following the inept incompetence of the bureaucrats and politicians involved just a few years prior following the catastrophe that was Hurricane Katrina and the Bush Administration’s notion that  launching wars overseas was a higher priority than taking care of our victims here at home. During that spill the weather was a constant threat since the months long spill occurred throughout that year’s hurricane season.

With intent, BP killed 11 men, countless fish, birds mammals

and family pets with their greed and oil spill in the Gulf.

I am an animal lover, especially of cats and dogs and I learned about the desperation of families devastated by that spill who had to make the nightmarish choice between keeping a roof over their heads and food on their plates or turn their pet family members over to a shelter. Shelter populations in the region bulged beyond capacity, and more cats and dogs were documented as killed by the BP criminal spill (which killed 11 men the day of the explosion on the oil platform in the worst of the tragedy) than wild mammals. I was angry and came online to raise money for one cause in particular, the awesome and spunky LASPCA-  http://la-spca.org/ - and in the end I wound up writing about this and much more. 12,000 Facebook friends and fans later, a quarter million hits on my own website, two sites on Examiner.com, a CBS gig and I had become a writer. : )

But in the beginning I found out about websites chock full of weather information and began interacting with weather experts all over the world. One was a wonderful young student in another part of the northeast who was so bright and knowledgeable that I thought she must have been a professional meteorologist or an academic. Instead she was 15 years old and headed to high school and uncertain of where her family was moving to—concerned about a new town and a whole new experience. She and her little sisters had been having a rough go of it for too long with instability in their lives and my friend did amazing things in order to keep her siblings under her wing until an adult family member and her boyfriend stepped up and provided a home, stability and security to my friend and her beloved sisters.

This young woman had established several sites online, including an awesome chat page which drew in experts including The Weather Channel meteorologists sporting Ph.D.’s, on camera meteorologists, and just plain weather fans. We set up Skype when Skyping was new because she wanted to cover the weather live! She became my tech adviser online, helping me to set up this blog page—she wanted to set up a blog, so we did it simultaneously late one evening.

The summer of 2010 I chased a hurricane named Earl skirting the northeast seaboard from my home in Central Ct to Rhode Island, knowing she’d be a bit jealous since she loved such storms. She wasn’t at all, she was happy for me. In fact, a system was moving through her area just as I was chasing Earl. As I was driving over the Quinnipiac River Bridge in New Haven, I saw a beautiful full arching double rainbow right over the bridge. As I drove further east, weather conditions deteriorated to tropical downpours and winds, and I enjoyed a wonderful chase and witnessed nature at her finest. When I arrived home, I was surprised to learn that my friend had seen a rainbow at the same time as I had. I was so touched that I wrote this poem about a storm that never stood a chance of hitting the coast, but inspired by her and her love of nature and all that she’d accomplished for herself and her family.

She turns 18 in 12 short days, and she is now more interested in the theater than weather and has a genuine passion for actor, director and committed Artistic Director of the Old Vic Theater in London, Kevin Spacey.

In honor of her pending birthday I offer to my readers this reproduction of her poem:

Ode to the Weather Explorer (A Poem)

No Igor for you and me

Lisa-marie.

I guess we’ll just have fun

Sitting outside in the sun,

And just wait and wait and wait

Until it’s very, very late.

But this is the tropical season my dear,

And I feel that the time is near

When you have your eye

And I

Have my eye

High, high, high

Way up in the sky

Looking right thru an eye

Right in the middle of the sky.

And who will it be?

Hurricane Who?

We’ve had a rainbow

We’ll have a hurricane, too.

Me and Lisa-marie.

Steve Alexander 9/20/10

Hurricane Igor made landfall last night [2010] and this morning and is currently (12:47pm) a minor Category 1 – 75mph – Hurricane that only the fishes will watch disintegrate and harm nobody any more. The Weather Explorer helped keep YOU safe, once again!

Luvya Lisa-marie. Hope you like your poem Ms. Pip and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! How do you make that? It’s an < and a 3? Like this: <3 font="font">YES! I didit! TYTYTY! Ya just gotta love those Lisa-marie pink hearts. :)

http://la-spca.org/

MR. ROMNEY - WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT OUR CHAINS!



More than any race in history, this one pits those who have wealth against the rest of America. Romney says 47% of Americans are parasites. He’s got it backwards. The plumbers, the waitresses/waiters, chefs, mechanics and assemblers of America and those who need their help because they are either handicapped or are benefitting from a lifetime of paying into such wonderful American inventions as the Social Security program or Medicare are the BACKBONE of America’s moral fiber AND it’s economy. Romney’s pyramid scheme Bain Capital, along with his ‘financier’ cronies such as Bernie Madoff, the Koch Brothers, Leman Brothers, Citibank and other such con scheme individuals and groups produce nothing of benefit to the nation or to the economy! Romney and his cohorts have succeeded during the George W. Bush presidency and at the state/local level in recent decades, starting with their hero, Ronald Ray-gun’s busting of the PATCO union when air traffic controllers struck for airline safety pre-9/11 in decimating our union’s powers and centralizing wealth in the nation and the world like never before.

Ray-gun did it the old fashioned and obscenely heavy-handed way by overpowering PATCO, and forcing the rehiring of all new traffic controllers without regard for the safety of the American public. His policies, those of his successor, George H.W. Bush and those of Bush’s son have enabled the states to do individually what they could not succeed at by trying to shut down the labor movement at the national level. And please let’s not forget that it was while we had a strong union movement in this nation, during the Eisenhower through to the beginning of the George the Second’s administration that we enjoyed a strong middle class, a non-depression or “Great Recessionary” economy, and the opportunity for workers to exercise bargaining rights which strengthened our industries and made us the manufacturing capitol of the world.

One state at a time, one regulation and one piece of legislation at a time, conservatives have been able to ‘privatize’ major state services which were previously performed by highly qualified, trained and competent state employees. For example by appealing to the compassion of people, they used the horrendous conditions at institutions for those with mental disabilities to rally for the cause of ‘deinstitutionalization,’ which was a needed change in some ways, however they were able to ,very quietly here in Connecticut and throughout the nation, turn these handicapped folks over to private not-for-profit agencies which are non-union, have less qualified workers and the incompetency of these agencies is now the stuff of legend, unfortunately. These agencies, like their profit making counterparts, seek to get bigger and bigger so they have co-opted many other than their original program areas of expertise. One with which I am familiar now runs group homes, drug and alcohol programs, work programs, and even a nursing agency which is staffed by part time nurses who don’t receive benefits. And all of these previously state-run programs are now being run by the not-for-profits at higher cost because of the decentralized and massive overhead costs, and by not-qualified non-union personell.

This trend is NOT accidental on the part of state and national politicians—their intent has been to bust the unions. They have also succeeded in the private sector, by various means. One is that private employers, thanks to their buddies in the state and national capitols, have been able to render formerly full-time benefitted quality jobs into part-time unbenefitted jobs—resulting in the absolute necessity for Barack Obama’s first-step Health Care Reform Act.

The impact of these right wing extremists’ policies including and since the Ray-gun administration has been the centralization of wealth into the hands of super-rich folks as unheard of in global history—the likes of the Wal-Mart family dynasty-the Walton billionaires, the Koch Brothers, and now quarter-billionaire and tool of these folks, Willard Mitt Romney. They now seek to have the presidency in their pockets in order to finally consolidate their wealth and power. They have no scruples in sending American manufacturing jobs, characterized by good full-time pay with benefits and reasonable working conditions, over to abusive totalitarian regimes such as Communist China!

Once we win back the government again this November, we need to take a look at some serious reforms in the nation’s labor laws, and begin to strengthen the rights of the formerly Great American Middle Class and restore our nation’s economy. Union = Good. Not Bad. We need to tear the unfair advantages the billionaires have developed at the expense of every single moderate and low income American! Go President Obama, Go! YES WE CAN!!!

DEAR MITT ROMNEY: TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK.

DEAR MITT ROMNEY: TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK. I receive government benefits. Yes, how brash. How bold a parasite I must be to proclaim to thousands that I DARE to receive public funds. I am presently receiving SSD, love my Medicare, love my neighbors in my public housing as I work my tail off to get retrained in grad school (a seminary--I'm hoping to be an ordained minister one day, Mitt) so I can get back to paid productive work! My next door neighbor is a wonderful friend who just came back home after a 7 month hospital stay, and resides in her efficiency apt and her hospital bed most of the time--a 40ish former Kindergarten teacher. Next to her is my 50ish friend with TBI. Next to him is my 60ish friend who wears about 10 lbs of shrapnel and hardware since diverting a grenade to save two other soldier's lives in Vietnam--he is proud of his disabled vet license plate. My neighborhood is chock-full of elderly who also receive government benefits. I've done the math, Mitt. All of my friends have in their years, paid FAR more than the paltry 14% you paid in the one year of taxes you have released thus far. WE want to know about the other years AND where YOUR money comes from? Your billionaire pals, like the Koch brothers do it by greedy means and shipping US jobs to Communists in China and other less desirable places. You've thrown hundreds if not thousands out of work as a CEO of a pyramid scheme financial outfit, and were the BAIN of their existence. And YOU want to be President? WHO IS THE PARASITE MITT? WHO? YOUR WELL-DESERVED DRUMMING AT THE POLLS IS COMING. TICK. TICK. TICK. TICK....

barackobama.com

Once There Was A RepubliCon Prez Nominee, A RepubliCon Veep Nominee, and an Awesome Incumbent Democrat-They Went Fishing Together....

There once was a Flip-Flopping Quarter-Billionaire Republican Presidential candidate, a kind of Pathetic Republican Vice Presidential Nominee with hoof-in-mouth disease and an Awesome Incumbent Democratic President.
They're all in a boat fishing.They're doing pretty good, catching some decent bass.

The President sez to the other guys- "Wow, that soda has gotten to me, I have to excuse myself."
So the President hops out of the boat, walks to shore, goes into the woods-disappears for awhile then comes out of the woods, walks back from shore, out to the boat and climbs back in. He sez "Now that's how I spell relief, guys!"
Romney and Ryan look at each other in disbelief! "HELL NO!" he couldn't have done that they thought.

So Ryan has to pee also by and by, but rather than risk his buttocks by trying to walk to shore, he just asks for Barack's soda can and pees into it.

And you just KNOW Romney had to go real bad, but held it just as long as he could because he couldn't make up his mind whether to walk to shore and was afraid of looking bad.
Finally he couldn't stand it any longer and he jumped outa the boat and sunk like a rock.

He bobbed up and cursed, screaming for the other two to haul him back into the boat (he had apparently peed himself out in  the process of sinking and treading water).
When Romney got back into the boat, he blubbered to the President you ARE amazing, you walk on water dude!"  

"Lean over, Willard, and look close." said Barack. "Do you see that rock just below the surface? Now look ahead of  it. Do you see that one?? All you had to do was follow the rocks in to shore and get your relief and come back. If you follow SOME kind of CONSISTENT plan, instead of trying to be all things to all people, NOBODY SINKS and I get my nickel back for my soda can without feeling guilty. And NO, you may not have the key OR the wheel to this boat WILLARD!"

Let's re-elect this awesome incumbent, it's crunch time and his website is: 

barackobama.com

Mitt Romney Interview with Unabashed Staff Contributor

Presidential 'Candidate' Rodney Mittens

tried to treat me like I wuz like this cute girl--

ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD!

And looky here, she's smart--she's ignoring him!

LOLOL!

As Usual, Dr. Winston O'Boogie, John Winston Ono Lennon,

Mr. Peace,

Got it right again.

The Mittens campaign theme song:

"I'm a Loser!!!"

Hi again everybody! Guess who it is again. It’s me—Lisa!! Uncle UL and I managed to get an interview with that guy who’s tryin’ to beat our pal, President Obama. I think his name is Rodney Mittens or sumthin’ like that. Ennyhew, Uncle UL liked this interview soooo much that he gave me $10 dollars for it and put me on his staff. : )

We convinced this multiple millionaire conman to talk to me, because Uncle UL said I had a school project for a school newspaper. Mittens is so stupid that he didn’t even guess that no kid is writing for school papers in AUGUST! Cheeeeeze! Uncle UL and I had a big laugh over that one fer sure!

We got to his big ol’ fancy hotel and met in a confernce room with a big ol’ fancy wood table and big leather chairs with wheels on ‘em. They were fun to spin on and roll around the table with until Rodney arrived. The Secret Service guys were super-nice, but his staff who called themselves his ‘personal assistants’ were dumb. They treated us like we were jerks, and just ignored us except they had to ask us if we wanted snacks or sumthin’ to drink. They said we could have this stuff called caviar. OMG! They said it wuz like grape jam, except it was made outa whale eggs or sumthin’! All I gotta say, is that figures! Go ahead and kill some baby endangered animals why doncha MISTER Mittens! I ordered sum peanut butter’n grape jam on English muffins and some apricot juice (since they had EVERYTHING ya could imagine) and Uncle UL ordered prime rib, baked potatoes with sour cream, ‘sparagus, hot dinner rolls ‘n he had a seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist ‘o lime. He said he figgered if he ordered enuff expensive food, that might be one less TV ad they can fire against President Barack.

Teehehehe Uncle UL! ;0)

After about 200 hours of waiting for this guy, finally we could see him in this little office off of the confernce room, but the Secret Service wouldn’t let us in. The Secret Service guys told us secretly that Mittens is a dumb guy and they don’t really like him a lot. They said he doesn’t really like people, animals or kids much AT ALL! They’re mad at him for a bunch of stuff he’s done.  Wow. It sure seems to me like ya don’t wanna get them guys mad! PHEW! He sure is dumb and then some! Kinda reminds me ‘o that President Dubya; when his Secret Service guys let that guy fire off not one, but TWO shoes at him before taking their good ‘ol time tackling the original shoe bomber! Teehehehe.

I looked in that office and I could see he was whispering to that guy he’s not supposed to be having much to do with, that guy who’s raisin’ all that secret money for the real bad advertisements and stuff, the guy who was the one who put Dubya into office, Karl Runt. Uncle UL and I were both mad that he was with him all the time, and I could hear Karl sayin’ to Rodney that this interview would be a breeze and ‘get a ton of good ink’ for him cuz it was with an 11 year old girl and that I’d probly ask only what’s his favrite color, or who’s his favrite singer, ‘n stuff. Whoaaaaa! That just riled me up even more!

Finally, Rodney comes into the room standin’ over me ‘n Uncle UL. Uncle UL kept eatin’ his prime rib dinner, looked up ‘n said “Hey dude, what’s happenin’?”

Since I was interviewin’ him, I stood up and introduced myself, and tried to figger out sumthin’ to compliment him on so he would keep thinkin’ how easy this would be. He was just standin’ there all awkward, he said “Hi” to Uncle UL, and didn’t say anything else. I could see that just like on TV he’s not exactly Mr. Personality Plus even in person—AT ALL! Lol.

So I started by sayin:

Lisa: Hi Mr. Mittens, I’m Lisa. Glad to meetya! I sure know who YOU are, cuz I see your face all over the TV on ads! Thanks for the peanut butter ‘n jam samwiches, they sure were good ones. You pick good hotels.

Candidate Rodney: Well, thank you ‘lil Lisa [boy did THAT make me mad!]. I think that when a person works hard they DO have a right to enjoy the finer things in life.

Lisa: Like an elevator for your fancy cars?

Candidate Rodney: Well… er… yes, I suppose you could say that.

Lisa: Let’s sit down Rodney. I mean, Mr. Mittens. You can sit there, I’ll sit here.

Candidate Rodney: Ok. [I thought, wow, is this guy easily influenced—pheew!]

Lisa: Ok. First question. How many overseas bank accounts do you have, which country are they in, what is the total amount in U.S. dollars, and have you been switching your accounts around overseas and in this country to take advantage of the policies you plan on doing before you have to put them into a blind trust when you’re elected?

Candidate Rodney: [A 20 second pause] Uh…. Huh? What was that?

Lisa: Where is your overseas money and have you been reinvesting your money planning for your presidency and the blind trust you’re required to have by law if you beat President Barack?

Candidate Rodney: Well, dear, that’s a pretty complicated matter for such a young child. I promise to answer that question during my debates with the President.

Lisa: So ya won’t answer! Are you refusing to answer my question?

Candidate Rodney: Oh no, sweety. I just told you that I will answer it at the debates. [He began looking mad]

Lisa: How come you don’t wanna release your tax returns unless people play tug ‘o war withya. What are you hiding?

Candidate Rodney: At the debates, honey, at the debates. [Rodney waved to somebody in the office where Karl was hiding now, and a billionaire guy named Koch came out to help him answer questions]

Lisa: Ok. I know what stonewalling means, it’s in All the President’s Men by Woodward ‘n Bernstein, about Nixon before he had to resign cuz ‘o HIS scandals and secrets just like yours. You remind me a lot of Nixon in that way and personality-wise. Ok, next topic. How come you put your dog on top of your station wagon, with your wife and kids in the car, drove at highway speeds for hours, and when the huge setter had diarrhea he was so scared, all you did was pull over and wipe off your precious station wagon and drive the rest of the way to Canada? You also advocate policies that would kill tons of animals. Two parter here. One WHY did you torture your dog, wife and kids in that way—are you twisted? And two: do you hate animals?

Uncle UL: Hey Rodney, you wouldn’t be able to lay me in a supply of A1 sauce, wouldya dude?

Candidate Rodney: Ok, UL, Ok! And LISA, I LOVE ANIMALS. Let’s just leave it at that!

Lisa: Hmmmm… No good answer to the animal rights question either. Ok, let’s move on to questions of war and peace. President Barack has already won the Nobel Peace Prize. Whadya think of that?

Candidate Rodney: Ummm… [he leans over and listens to Koch as he whispers to him] Lisa, the Nobel Peace Prize is dominated by a few left wing European socialist fanatics and that’s why PRESIDENT Obama won the award.

Lisa: Was that true when Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa and Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, MISTER Mittens???

Candidate Rodney: [Leans over to Koch again] We pass on that.

Lisa: WE! HAH! You and this super-super billionaire Koch and his brother are the WE. Aha! The real bottom line is your millionaire and billionaire’s bottom line and plans to consolidate wealth, isn’t it MISTER KOCH???

Koch: No comment. I’m not being interviewed; I’m not really involved in this campaign and have no opinions.

Uncle UL: Yeah, right dude. Hey, anybody got ketchup? I could use some more napkins and another seltzer if SOMEBODY on this hotel staff ain’t too busy. In fact, if it isn’t too much bother, I’d like another dinner and a doggie bag if you would. I hope I didn’t offend ya Mittens, by mentionin’ doggies, there dude!

Lisa: Chow down Uncle UL, enjoy. Ok. So Mr. Mittens, President Barack has signed and ratified a verifiable START Treaty with Russia, won that Peace Prize, ended 30 straight months of unemployment and the “Great Recession” your pal Bush gave us, he stopped the theft of 401K’s by Wall Street, he’s prevented your party from putting the Social Security fund on Wall Street so that those con jobs can steal that now, he’s passed the biggest health care bill of all time and even the Republican Chief Justice agrees with it (and so did you before you ran for President you flip flopper you!), he’s ended ALL discrimination in the military by ending DADT, he’s killed Osama Bin Laden without a single American casualty, he helped end Daffy Quadaffi without a single American casualty, he ended the waste that was Bush’s war in Iraq and more. What have you done lately?

Candidate Rodney: I… um… er… well, I’ve been campaigning for president…

Lisa: FOR SIX WHOLE YEARS NOW AND STILL COUNTING. INTERVIEW DONE! I’ve heard enuff MISTER MITTENS. You’ve got nuthin’! You’re just greedy and all about Rodney. Uncle UL, stash the rest of that rib and the rest into that DOGGIE bag, we’re outa here! Grrrrrr…. 

Uncle UL: Hey guys, thanks for the snack. Listen, I haven’t finished my drink, you mind if I use this fine crystal as a take-out cup?

Lisa: Puhleeze Uncle UL, that’s funny, but let’s get outa here before I do something wrong.

Candidate Rodney: Um…. Well…. Er… It was a pleasure meeting you Lisa. By the way, I always order a box of Girl Scout Cookies every year. I don’t have any real fondness for the cookies, they always seem kind of stale to me, but I just love the cause.

Lisa: You clumsy, awkward and ignorant fool! I happen to gorge on thin mints, but I think the Girl Scouts and their uniforms force kids into conformity, and nowadays – just like the Boy Scouts, sorta prime kids for war later on when they face the choice of either joining up for yet another American overseas bloodfest or not. GOODBYE.

And then me and Uncle UL left.

The moral of this story is that all people are created equal, and we all should take care of each other like one family. There should be no wars, talking instead. The disabled, sick, elderly and poor deserve our support and help. LOVE is the key to PEACE. A guy Uncle UL likes a lot; Arlo Guthrie said it sorta like this at a concert with his friend who’s over 90 years old now, Pete Seeger:

“Peace is sumthin’ ya can’t give to the world unless ya can git sum fer yerself first.”

And with a lot of help from a whole lot of great friends and fambly I think I got it figgered out;

Ya git peace by givin’ LOVE. You go President Barack!

And btw…

Me and Uncle UL after our interview…

We Hugged, and Hugged, and Hugged.

The End

For Now….

barackobama.com