Friday, August 10, 2012
Mitt Romney Interview with Unabashed Staff Contributor
Presidential 'Candidate' Rodney Mittens
tried to treat me like I wuz like this cute girl--
ONLY FIVE YEARS OLD!
And looky here, she's smart--she's ignoring him!
As Usual, Dr. Winston O'Boogie, John Winston Ono Lennon,
Got it right again.
The Mittens campaign theme song:
"I'm a Loser!!!"
Hi again everybody! Guess who it is again. It’s me—Lisa!! Uncle UL and I managed to get an interview with that guy who’s tryin’ to beat our pal, President Obama. I think his name is Rodney Mittens or sumthin’ like that. Ennyhew, Uncle UL liked this interview soooo much that he gave me $10 dollars for it and put me on his staff. : )
We convinced this multiple millionaire conman to talk to me, because Uncle UL said I had a school project for a school newspaper. Mittens is so stupid that he didn’t even guess that no kid is writing for school papers in AUGUST! Cheeeeeze! Uncle UL and I had a big laugh over that one fer sure!
We got to his big ol’ fancy hotel and met in a confernce room with a big ol’ fancy wood table and big leather chairs with wheels on ‘em. They were fun to spin on and roll around the table with until Rodney arrived. The Secret Service guys were super-nice, but his staff who called themselves his ‘personal assistants’ were dumb. They treated us like we were jerks, and just ignored us except they had to ask us if we wanted snacks or sumthin’ to drink. They said we could have this stuff called caviar. OMG! They said it wuz like grape jam, except it was made outa whale eggs or sumthin’! All I gotta say, is that figures! Go ahead and kill some baby endangered animals why doncha MISTER Mittens! I ordered sum peanut butter’n grape jam on English muffins and some apricot juice (since they had EVERYTHING ya could imagine) and Uncle UL ordered prime rib, baked potatoes with sour cream, ‘sparagus, hot dinner rolls ‘n he had a seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist ‘o lime. He said he figgered if he ordered enuff expensive food, that might be one less TV ad they can fire against President Barack.
After about 200 hours of waiting for this guy, finally we could see him in this little office off of the confernce room, but the Secret Service wouldn’t let us in. The Secret Service guys told us secretly that Mittens is a dumb guy and they don’t really like him a lot. They said he doesn’t really like people, animals or kids much AT ALL! They’re mad at him for a bunch of stuff he’s done. Wow. It sure seems to me like ya don’t wanna get them guys mad! PHEW! He sure is dumb and then some! Kinda reminds me ‘o that President Dubya; when his Secret Service guys let that guy fire off not one, but TWO shoes at him before taking their good ‘ol time tackling the original shoe bomber! Teehehehe.
I looked in that office and I could see he was whispering to that guy he’s not supposed to be having much to do with, that guy who’s raisin’ all that secret money for the real bad advertisements and stuff, the guy who was the one who put Dubya into office, Karl Runt. Uncle UL and I were both mad that he was with him all the time, and I could hear Karl sayin’ to Rodney that this interview would be a breeze and ‘get a ton of good ink’ for him cuz it was with an 11 year old girl and that I’d probly ask only what’s his favrite color, or who’s his favrite singer, ‘n stuff. Whoaaaaa! That just riled me up even more!
Finally, Rodney comes into the room standin’ over me ‘n Uncle UL. Uncle UL kept eatin’ his prime rib dinner, looked up ‘n said “Hey dude, what’s happenin’?”
Since I was interviewin’ him, I stood up and introduced myself, and tried to figger out sumthin’ to compliment him on so he would keep thinkin’ how easy this would be. He was just standin’ there all awkward, he said “Hi” to Uncle UL, and didn’t say anything else. I could see that just like on TV he’s not exactly Mr. Personality Plus even in person—AT ALL! Lol.
So I started by sayin:
Lisa: Hi Mr. Mittens, I’m Lisa. Glad to meetya! I sure know who YOU are, cuz I see your face all over the TV on ads! Thanks for the peanut butter ‘n jam samwiches, they sure were good ones. You pick good hotels.
Candidate Rodney: Well, thank you ‘lil Lisa [boy did THAT make me mad!]. I think that when a person works hard they DO have a right to enjoy the finer things in life.
Lisa: Like an elevator for your fancy cars?
Candidate Rodney: Well… er… yes, I suppose you could say that.
Candidate Rodney: Ok. [I thought, wow, is this guy easily influenced—pheew!]
Lisa: Ok. First question. How many overseas bank accounts do you have, which country are they in, what is the total amount in U.S. dollars, and have you been switching your accounts around overseas and in this country to take advantage of the policies you plan on doing before you have to put them into a blind trust when you’re elected?
Candidate Rodney: [A 20 second pause] Uh…. Huh? What was that?
Lisa: Where is your overseas money and have you been reinvesting your money planning for your presidency and the blind trust you’re required to have by law if you beat President Barack?
Candidate Rodney: Well, dear, that’s a pretty complicated matter for such a young child. I promise to answer that question during my debates with the President.
Lisa: So ya won’t answer! Are you refusing to answer my question?
Candidate Rodney: Oh no, sweety. I just told you that I will answer it at the debates. [He began looking mad]
Lisa: How come you don’t wanna release your tax returns unless people play tug ‘o war withya. What are you hiding?
Candidate Rodney: At the debates, honey, at the debates. [Rodney waved to somebody in the office where Karl was hiding now, and a billionaire guy named Koch came out to help him answer questions]
Lisa: Ok. I know what stonewalling means, it’s in All the President’s Men by Woodward ‘n Bernstein, about Nixon before he had to resign cuz ‘o HIS scandals and secrets just like yours. You remind me a lot of Nixon in that way and personality-wise. Ok, next topic. How come you put your dog on top of your station wagon, with your wife and kids in the car, drove at highway speeds for hours, and when the huge setter had diarrhea he was so scared, all you did was pull over and wipe off your precious station wagon and drive the rest of the way to Canada? You also advocate policies that would kill tons of animals. Two parter here. One WHY did you torture your dog, wife and kids in that way—are you twisted? And two: do you hate animals?
Uncle UL: Hey Rodney, you wouldn’t be able to lay me in a supply of A1 sauce, wouldya dude?
Lisa: Hmmmm… No good answer to the animal rights question either. Ok, let’s move on to questions of war and peace. President Barack has already won the Nobel Peace Prize. Whadya think of that?
Candidate Rodney: Ummm… [he leans over and listens to Koch as he whispers to him] Lisa, the Nobel Peace Prize is dominated by a few left wing European socialist fanatics and that’s why PRESIDENT Obama won the award.
Lisa: Was that true when Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa and Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize, MISTER Mittens???
Candidate Rodney: [Leans over to Koch again] We pass on that.
Lisa: WE! HAH! You and this super-super billionaire Koch and his brother are the WE. Aha! The real bottom line is your millionaire and billionaire’s bottom line and plans to consolidate wealth, isn’t it MISTER KOCH???
Koch: No comment. I’m not being interviewed; I’m not really involved in this campaign and have no opinions.
Uncle UL: Yeah, right dude. Hey, anybody got ketchup? I could use some more napkins and another seltzer if SOMEBODY on this hotel staff ain’t too busy. In fact, if it isn’t too much bother, I’d like another dinner and a doggie bag if you would. I hope I didn’t offend ya Mittens, by mentionin’ doggies, there dude!
Lisa: Chow down Uncle UL, enjoy. Ok. So Mr. Mittens, President Barack has signed and ratified a verifiable START Treaty with Russia, won that Peace Prize, ended 30 straight months of unemployment and the “Great Recession” your pal Bush gave us, he stopped the theft of 401K’s by Wall Street, he’s prevented your party from putting the Social Security fund on Wall Street so that those con jobs can steal that now, he’s passed the biggest health care bill of all time and even the Republican Chief Justice agrees with it (and so did you before you ran for President you flip flopper you!), he’s ended ALL discrimination in the military by ending DADT, he’s killed Osama Bin Laden without a single American casualty, he helped end Daffy Quadaffi without a single American casualty, he ended the waste that was Bush’s war in Iraq and more. What have you done lately?
Candidate Rodney: I… um… er… well, I’ve been campaigning for president…
Lisa: FOR SIX WHOLE YEARS NOW AND STILL COUNTING. INTERVIEW DONE! I’ve heard enuff MISTER MITTENS. You’ve got nuthin’! You’re just greedy and all about Rodney. Uncle UL, stash the rest of that rib and the rest into that DOGGIE bag, we’re outa here! Grrrrrr….
Uncle UL: Hey guys, thanks for the snack. Listen, I haven’t finished my drink, you mind if I use this fine crystal as a take-out cup?
Lisa: Puhleeze Uncle UL, that’s funny, but let’s get outa here before I do something wrong.
Candidate Rodney: Um…. Well…. Er… It was a pleasure meeting you Lisa. By the way, I always order a box of Girl Scout Cookies every year. I don’t have any real fondness for the cookies, they always seem kind of stale to me, but I just love the cause.
Lisa: You clumsy, awkward and ignorant fool! I happen to gorge on thin mints, but I think the Girl Scouts and their uniforms force kids into conformity, and nowadays – just like the Boy Scouts, sorta prime kids for war later on when they face the choice of either joining up for yet another American overseas bloodfest or not. GOODBYE.
The moral of this story is that all people are created equal, and we all should take care of each other like one family. There should be no wars, talking instead. The disabled, sick, elderly and poor deserve our support and help. LOVE is the key to PEACE. A guy Uncle UL likes a lot; Arlo Guthrie said it sorta like this at a concert with his friend who’s over 90 years old now, Pete Seeger:
“Peace is sumthin’ ya can’t give to the world unless ya can git sum fer yerself first.”
And with a lot of help from a whole lot of great friends and fambly I think I got it figgered out;
Ya git peace by givin’ LOVE. You go President Barack!
Me and Uncle UL after our interview…
We Hugged, and Hugged, and Hugged.