Friday, September 28, 2012
ROMNEY/RYAN: YOU MAKE ME SICK: MY DOCTOR TOLD ME SO!
Pink's Title Sez It All About Today's Post-Convention Doctor's Visit:
You Make Me Sick
My first-ever visit to a pulmonary doctor was compromised by right-wing post-convention politics. Wow, btw, that just might be the first sentence to contain THREE hyphenated words. Be forewarned that this article is based on a TRUE STORY which REALLY HAPPENED TODAY, but which is slanted with hyperbole for satirical purposes only – not in any manner for political gain. At the outset let me emphasize that I have never, repeat NEVER, run a marathon of any sort; I have never attempted to run a marathon and I most certainly have never run a marathon in under 3 hours, as claimed most absurdly by the rival for the most preposterous Veep candidate in US history (Ryan is, of course, neck and neck with half-guv Palin at this point for that dubious distinction).
In addition to breathing problems for about two or three years (no hyperbole thus far) I have been enduring a chest and head cold for three or four days. This week I was diagnosed with COPD and now I have a puffer to spay into my lungs when I can't breathe so well and a fun disk to inhale twice a day called Albuterol. Next week I get to have my lungs undergo a battery of further tests. Fun, fun, fun!! Upon entering the office of Dr. Smith (his real name, I later asked for and received a copy of his long-form birth certificate) a coupla weeks back, a kindly looking young woman in scrubs quickly escorted me into the outer office area and began asking questions and taking vital medical signs. She asked my date of birth, and is my wont in such situations; I replied “I was just born yesterday.” She laughed, as did all of her female colleagues—also bedecked in scrubs—at my joke (which was intentional hyperbole). I told her of my sniffles and my real long-term problem which brought me there that day. She asked what medications I take, and I told her of my blood pressure medications, and when she asked why I informed her that of course it was because it was an election year. When asked if I had any allergies, I told her that I was extremely allergic to the RepubliCon party of 2012, to Bill O’Reilley and Sarah Palin. By now, her colleague was laughing at my comments as if I were jesting, but both she and my interlocutor agreed on the Palin allergy.
My vital signs were good except for my blood pressure which came in absurdly high at 160/100. I told my tester and my audience that it was perfectly understandable and that I wasn’t surprised. To my astonishment they asked me the cause and I told them “Because it’s less than two months before Election Day and we aren’t ahead by double digits, of course!!!”
They sent me out to the waiting room to await Dr. Smith, and while waiting I looked back into the area where I had just been and spied a bumper sticker over a desk for the RepubliCon running for the U.S. Senate in CT, the purveyor of violence and smut to kids and loser of the 2010 Senate race, former Wrestling/Porn CEO Linda McMahon. OMG! I stuck my head into the area once again and informed the staff that I had an anaphylactic allergy which could cause immediate death to these bumper stickers, but the sticker remained and I had to shield my eyes with my hands throughout the remainder of my time or arrange my body in such a way as to avoid cardiac arrest. I asked the scrub-woman by the offending bumper sticker who was paying for my visit—which was Medicare. I expressed to her that very many of their patients are likely geezers like me, and that most of her salary is generated by Medicare so she SHOULD vote Democratic!!!
I was safely escorted to his office by Dr. Smith himself and he queried me further about my health. He asked if I had any allergies, and I told him that I carried two epipens and Benadryl at all times due to my deadly allergy to bee stings and to the Fox News Channel. Dr. Smith laughed uproariously and nearly fell off his chair (no hyperbole here), and I was confused. He asked when my breathing seemed at its worst; I explained that it was sometimes random, sometimes upon exertion, and frequently upon seeing images of Ann Coulter or hearing her voice. He agreed that this is a frequent problem in his practice.
My apologies to Britney, who is doing fine today, as far as I'm concerned,
but I just couldn't pass up this image of Coulter.
He noted some swelling in my ankles and he asked when I had noticed it commencing, and I said that it seemed to correlate with the annual appearance of what is jokingly referred to as a “Budget” by Paul Ryan, but that I’ve begun to fear ankle Elephantitis now that Ryan is the RepubliCon VP nominee, but Dr. Smith assured me that this was not likely. He listened to my breathing, which wasn’t horrendous, but he noticed that upon close investigation it appeared as though my breathing pattern included a sobbing component. I told Dr. Smith that this is something that I’ve noticed in myself ever since John Boehner was actually sworn in as Speaker. I told Dr. Smith that the cure for this was out of his control, and that I was doing everything I can to ensure the cure, which a new term as Speaker for Nancy Pelosi this coming January.
Dr. Smith has me undergoing the new funner breathing testing, I had a chest x-ray, and he gave me a cool testing thing to play with and that puffer and Albuterol to breathe until I see him next; as long as the poll numbers keep getting better, I’m optimistic. ;0) Dr. Smith asked me if I have any further questions, and I said yes, sir, I do. He asked me what they were, and I said I had a multitude of questions for the staff person with the RepubliCon Senate sticker over her desk. He said that she was firm in her convictions. I pleaded with him to let me try. But I caved, because I know I have to go back and that my persuasive abilities will be far more effective closer to Election Day, and that if I rally the crowd at Dr. Smith’s office to the Obama cause now, that they could change their mind between now and the election.
It's crunch time boys and girls. The time for excuses is over! It's time to roll up our sleeves as one family, contact the campaign, donate-arrange rides to the polls on November 6th--whatever you can do. And it's as easy as one right click on the link below: