Uncle Unabashed took me to see him at his “Corporate Office” and boy was it fancy. Uncle UL told him I had to interview a civic leader for a school project and got him to agree (teehehehe). His office had living room couches and chairs, fancy coffee tables, a huge solid dark wood desk, all pretty and stuff, and lots of fancy framed stuff on the walls. It was like a museum. Fancy Schmancy! He even had a refrigerator! We sat at a coffee table and I put my feet up on the table (I thought it would annoy him, teehehehe) and got out my notebook and pen and asked him a bunch ‘o questions. This is what I asked him and what he said. He introduced himself as Mr. Countinghouse.
Bill: Hi Lisa, nice to see you. I’m Mr. Countinghouse, how do you do?
Me: Hi, I’m OK, how are you?
Bill: I’m doing fine thanks, I understand from your Uncle that you want to ask me some questions for a project at school, is that so?
Me: Of course it is, My uncle never lies. What’s your first name?
Bill: Why Lisa, it’s Bill, and I’m sorry I didn’t mean to imply that UL wouldn’t tell you the truth.
Me: Well you certainly DID Bill! Excuuuuuuse me! My first question is, how much money do you make each year?
Bill: Well, Lisa, that’s confidential. It’s something adults don’t discuss openly, its really a personal matter.
Me: Really? I can ask Mommy and Daddy and they tell me, Uncle UL tells me, how come you won’t? Are you ashamed of how little you make or sumthin?
Bill: They’re your family, Lisa, families share more information than strangers.
Me: Uncle UL looked it up for me, its public information he said, and he said you made more than $200 million last year ALONE! That’s a lot! Phew!
Bill: Lisa, I work hard and have lots of responsibilities and bring in lots of revenue to Wall-Mat Discount Department Stores, so I certainly earn my salary. I work long hours and had lots of training and years of experience.
Me: I heard you inherited all the stores, is that true? That your father set up the business, and that when he died you took over his jobs [real quick] as, what is it you call yourself?
Bill: I am the Wall-Mat Chief Executive Officer and the Chairman of the Board of Wall-Mat. They call me the CEO for short.
Me: So you’re in charge, BILL?
Bill: The buck stops here, Lisa.
Me: It sure does! Teehehehe. Who decides what your salary is?
Bill: Well, um… er… its…actually… a committee comprised of…
Me: It’s YOU! Isn’t it?
Bill: No, Lisa, I was about to say that it’s a committee comprised of members of our executive team who set salaries and benefits for top executives and I sign a contract with Wall-Mat based on their decision.
Me: Who names the committee?
Bill: Well, um…er..its…actually I do , Lisa with the advice of my Vice Presidents.
Me: Then let me get this straight. I askedya who sets your salary. You said it’s a committee. I said it’s actually you. And then you finally admit that YOU name the committee! So it IS you who decides how much you make!
Me: Time to change the subject. Your stuff that you sell in your store mostly stinks. You sell furniture made out of sawdust-wood that Mommy and Daddy have to put together themselves (you should hear them cuss when they’re doing that-lol), you sell all cheap stuff that you have made by kids younger than me in China who have to work 100 hours a week in sweaty shops for 50 cents an hour and forced to by Communists who run the country, and your company and you are rolling in dough? Your company and you make a ton of money at everyone else’s expense. True?
Bill: We sell quality merchandise at discount prices.
Me: BALONEY! HA HA HA! You sell junk at high prices! What about your cashiers and stock people and all the people who do the real work for Wall-Mat? Hmmm? How come they’re all part-time now, and no benefits and making peanuts an hour? Huh? How come? Huh?
Bill: We’re proud of our associates and treat them as they most certainly deserve. They work hard to service our customers.
Me: You treat them worse than worms, BILL! Grrrr. You treat your people terrible! Horrible! Greedy! You won’t let them group up and negotiate for decent conditions and salary, cuz you’re so greedy! And what about you? How much do you pay outa your $200 million a year in taxes?
Bill: I pay what’s required by law.
Me: And does the law allow you to pay a lower tax rate than your cashiers who make a thousand times less?
Bill: Well, Lisa, let me ask my accountant and get back to you.
Me: Uncle UL says you pay LESS of a tax rate than everybody else who works for you. He also says that you donate to politishuns who vote on those tax rates and keep you rolling in the dough. And that you don’t pay even close to your fair share! UNCLE UL, GET OUT OF BILL’S FILES, HE MIGHT HAVE A CAMERA IN HERE, BE CAREFUL! Lol.
Bill: Yeah, listen UL, sit down and keep your hands and your eyes on this conversation.
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO UNCLE UL THAT WAY!
Bill: Sorry Lisa.
Me: You sure are sorry, Bill. A sorry excuse for a man! LOLOLOL! You’re greedy and mean. Whadya think about those people outside your office occupying Wall Street these days?
Bill: They are misguided, Lisa and don’t understand that entrepreneurship creates capital and capital creates employment.
Me: REALLY, BILL! Come on Uncle UL, I’m sick and tired of this guy. His stupidness causes people to want things they don’t need, causes pollution, global warming, and wars; and he’s too greedy and scummy to talk to anymore. By the way, that tie and suit shore looks mighty funny BILL, MR COUNTINGHOUSE CEO CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD!!!
Bill: Well, Lisa, this has been interesting.
Me: I bet it has been Mr. Greedy. C’mon Uncle UL, grab the tent, I got the sleeping bags, let’s head out and occupy the streets!
And me and Uncle UL Spent the Weekend With Everbody
Else Having Fun Occupying Wall Street.
And once we got outside,
Before we pitched our tent,
Me and Uncle UL,
We hugged, and hugged and hugged!
And then we hugged some more.
And God, please take away this man’s greed,
And help everbody he hurts to be better ifya think that’s a good idear.
And ifya don't wanna see this greedy guy go untaxed, try going here: