Monday, August 2, 2010

Political Pearls: What Do Fishing, Jogging and Wrestling Have In Common?

We are all aware of Sharrrrron "Right" Angle's athletic prowess.  Her abilities as both a sprinter and a long distance runner are well documented on video each time she is approached by a genuine journalist or is filmed running away from press conferences she's called.  Unabashed Left, in fact, has confirmed through sources who rudely demanded anonymity because they are not authorized to speak until negotiations are complete, that Ms. Angle will be starring in a lengthy series of television commercials endorsing Nike "Air" following her election loss in November.  Marathon Sharrrron's contract will reportedly be worth millions.
We've also confirmed that Angle is negotiating with the Zebco company, manufacturer of fishing rods and reels.  While there is no reason to believe that Angle is an angler in the traditional "fishing" sense, Zebco believes that her success at acquiring the Republican nomination in Nevada and to even be taken seriously at all as a general election candidate, given the absurdities that emanate from her now famous mouth, clearly demonstrate angling ability way beyond legends such as Ted Williams and Gaddabout Gaddis. 
When word of the Zebco negotiations with Angling Angle were rumored this morning, Zebco stock prices soared and closed up 70%.
Seizing upon this development, Zebco did not stop there.  Familiar with the blossoming friendship between Sharrrron and Arizona Governor Jan "Just Lock 'Em All Up And Throw Away The Key" Brewer, Zebco is negotiating with Brewer for joint commercial appearances with "Obtuse" Angling Angle for their new line of fish "chum."  Reportedly Brewer's face will be emblazened on the packages of old, rotten ground menhaden, and the product will be called "Sharrrron's Chum."
Meanwhile, we have confirmed that another politician, this one from the Democratic side, is now in negotiations for a big commercial deal.  Likely Connecticut Republican U.S. Senate nominee Linda McMahon, a CEO of the World Wrestling Federation/WWE(or whatever the bleep they're calling it today) has been aware of the scandal involving the former chairman of the House Ways and Means committee.  She's reportedly offered an eight figure deal with "Wrangling [Charlie] Rangel for a slick Madison Avenue series of television ads , with the potential for a 9 figure bonus should he actually agree to get into the ring with one of her professional comic assaulters.  Remember, you heard it here first--your source for hard news:  Unabashed Left.

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